Breaking Family Cycles: Finding Joy in Holidays
Breaking family cycles has been one of the hardest but most rewarding journeys of my life. Holidays and birthdays in my family were never what they were supposed to be. Sure, they’re stressful for most people, but this wasn’t your typical holiday chaos. In my family, the drama wasn’t just loud voices and snide remarks—it often exploded into full-blown fights or even physical violence. That was just the norm for us.
And birthdays? Forget it. They weren’t really about me. The “birthday person gets to choose” rule didn’t apply if it meant someone else wasn’t happy. My day always had to revolve around keeping everyone else content.
Even as an adult, those patterns continued. One year, my mother intentionally avoided calling me on my birthday. Why? Because I maintained contact with my father after their divorce, something my mother couldn’t accept. In fact, I didn’t hear from anyone from my family that day, turning what should have been a day of celebration into a day of silent punishment.
The Lasting Impact
Not surprisingly, I carried those feelings into adulthood. For a long time, I hated holidays and my birthday. Even Halloween—a day people usually look forward to—felt like another opportunity for ridicule. I remember being mocked for my costume choices as a kid, which only made my self-esteem worse. And it wasn’t like I could enjoy the holiday anyway—it was always about whatever my mom had planned, with no room for my input.
Breaking family cycles meant confronting those feelings head-on. For years, I stopped trying. I refused to wear costumes or even participate in celebrations. It was easier to check out than risk feeling the same hurt all over again. But ignoring the problem didn’t make it go away—it just kept me stuck in the cycle.
The Turning Point
Everything started to shift when my therapist asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: “What kind of memories do you want your family to have?”
It hit me hard. I’d spent so much time focused on the bad memories from my own childhood that I hadn’t thought about the ones I was building now. That simple question was a turning point for me. It was the first time I realized that breaking family cycles wasn’t just about rejecting the past—it was about creating a better future.
As I learned more about healing and growth, I came across the term cycle breaker—someone who recognizes harmful family patterns and chooses to end them. It’s a concept that resonated deeply with me, because that’s exactly what I wanted to do. This article about cycle breakers explains how breaking cycles isn’t just about stopping negative behaviors—it’s about creating a healthier foundation for future generations.
One Holiday, One Birthday at a Time
Change didn’t happen overnight—it was more like one small step at a time. But those small steps started to add up, and each one felt like another piece of the cycle breaking.
- Halloween: One year, I decided to dress up with my wife. She went as Babe the Blue Ox, and I was Paul Bunyan. It wasn’t just fun—it was freeing. Seeing how happy it made her reminded me why I was doing this in the first place. That moment was a reminder that joy doesn’t have to be complicated—it can be as simple as putting on a silly costume and leaning into the fun.
- Christmas: Christmas 2024 was the first year I truly rewrote my feelings about the holiday. I didn’t want my kids to look back and think, “Dad always hated Christmas.” I wanted to give them the kind of magical memories I didn’t have growing up. So I decided to make it fun in my own way—starting with something simple: Santa hats. I bought four of them, one for each of us, and wore mine constantly around the house. At first, it felt a little strange, like I was pretending to enjoy the season. But something shifted when I saw my kids giggle at the sight of me in my hat, refusing to take it off while making breakfast or even taking a nap on the couch. That joy? It was real. And I realized I wasn’t just making Christmas fun for them—I was rewriting the story for myself, too.
- My Birthday: My birthday has always been the hardest for me, and this past year, being a milestone birthday, made it even harder. There isn’t an easy way to get through it besides pushing yourself to think about the day in a different way. Your loved ones who look forward to celebrating your day aren’t doing it out of obligation—they’re doing it because they genuinely care. That’s a hard truth to accept when being loved growing up felt more like an obligation than something unconditional. This year, I leaned into the idea of letting myself be celebrated, even though it wasn’t easy. I tried to focus on the excitement my family felt for the day rather than the discomfort I felt about it being “about me.” It’s a work in progress, but every year, I get just a little better at letting the love in.
Each of these moments felt like a small rebellion against the narrative I grew up with. Breaking family cycles isn’t about doing everything perfectly—it’s about taking intentional steps toward creating the life I want for my family. One holiday, one birthday at a time, I’m reclaiming these moments and making them something my wife and kids will look back on with love.
Why It Matters
Breaking the cycle is hard work, but it’s made easier by seeing the joy on their faces. Holidays and birthdays are no longer days I dread—they’re opportunities to give my family something I never had: warmth, love, and happy memories.
Every holiday and birthday is an opportunity to show my kids what breaking family cycles looks like—prioritizing love, laughter, and connection. Do I love my birthday now? Not really. It’s still hard for me to accept a day that’s all about me. But I’ve learned to enjoy it, even if just a little, because I know it’s not just about me anymore—it’s about giving my wife and kids the kind of celebrations they’ll look back on with love.